The Faithful Skeptic

I know holiday tipping is a hot topic for some people, but I’ve never paid any attention.  But earlier this year we started getting the Sunday New York Times delivered at home.  A week or so ago, the delivery person left a Christmas card in the paper, and conveniently included their name and address.  I generally think of giving tips for good service.  My Sunday Times usually ends up almost in the street or under the car in the driveway.  Good service to me would be getting it on the front porch - and our front porch is about 10 feet from the curb.

But we also get the Oregonian daily.  Not only is it in the street or under the car, but it is usually totally waterlogged because they don’t close the bag.  At least the delivery person for the Times double bags it in the winter.

I feel like a total curmudgeon, but I don’t want to tip until they start getting the paper on the porch.  Should I change my name to Ebenezer?

There was a study released yesterday that reported most people have had premarital sex (something like 90%+). I skimmed the article and it looks like they used decent methodology, but I don’t want to talk about the study. What is interesting to me is the fact that premarital sex is such a huge topic. When I was in high school I went to a youth group a very conservative, suburban megachurch. It seemed like every week they were talking about sex. Or rather not having sex. But they were also sure to emphasize that sex after marriage was ok - in fact, it was great!

I thought it was a little weird that they were so obsessed with premarital sex - after all, weren’t most of the kids there from good Christian homes and possessing good Christian values? But I later learned that a lot of the kids that were there were in fact having sex. The ironic thing was that at that point in my life I was basically an atheist/agnostic, and I was one of the few not having sex.

I’ve been married now for almost five years and that experience has changed how I think about this issue. One of the biggest problems with the abstinence movement is that I think it hyper-sexualizes marriage. At this youth group, the message (unintentionally) was that the biggest difference between having a boy/girlfriend and a husband/wife is that you got to have sex with your spouse - a lot of sex. We never talked in any detail about what marriage meant or what marriage was like.

My wife and I waited until we were married, and I’m glad we made that decision. But it seems like a totally insignificant detail now, in retrospect. Our life together is complex and wonderful, but sex is a pretty minor part. Marriage isn’t about sex - it is about building a life together. That life gets consumed by details like mortgage payments, the dishes, work, kids, etc. I think giving kids a message that sex is the defining part of marriage, whether intentionally or unintentionally, is a mistake. They keys to a successful marriage are complex.

I think the message of abstinence has another, related problem. It emphasizes the “lust” component of attraction. While physical attraction is important, it doesn’t keep couples together for 50 years. Marriage and commitment are ultimately a choice - our marriage isn’t held together by some unseen force called “love”. The proof of our love for each other is that we choose to stay together. We committed, before God and our family, to make that choice every day for the rest of our lives. Sex has nothing to do with that and we’ve done a disservice to the institution of marriage by making kids think that it does.

Finally, the focus on abstinence also hurts marriage because it causes us to miss what I believe are bigger problems. First, research has shown that the older men and women are at the time of marriage, the less likely they are to get divorced. The research suggested that couples where both individuals were 26 at the time of marriage had some of the lowest rates of divorce. I believe that abstinence programs encourage men and women to marry young so that they can have sex. If premarital sex is a result of waiting a little longer to get marriage, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Second (and probably counterintuitively for a lot of people), research also shows that cohabitation leads to more divorces, not less. We need young men and women to understand that cohabitation is not “practice for marriage.” Personally, I think that cohabitation is a bigger risk to the institution of marriage and premarital sex.

If we really want to protect the institution of marriage, we need to actually talk about what marriage is. Not to combine two inflammatory topics, but I believe the fear that gay marriage will threaten marriage is a bunch of hogwash. Heterosexuals are the biggest threat - because in my opinion we’re focusing on the wrong issues.

I want to be clear that I’m not advocating premarital sex - particularly for teenagers. My personal opinion is that if you’re not ready (financially, emotionally, physically) to have a baby, you shouldn’t be doing anything that might result in you having one. But if most people are having sex anyway, we should be promoting the use of contraceptives and getting people to think about what commitment and marriage really mean. Marriage is more than guilt-free sex.

The research I noted above is from the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.

We’d been trying to decide when to have our son baptised, but we finally got around to it yesterday.  Yesterday also happened to be first birthday, which made for an exciting day.  Unlike his sister, he didn’t cry at all when the pastor put the water on his head.  In his sister’s defense, she was only 3 months old when she was baptised.  His sister regularly pours water on his head in the bath, so he’s an old pro.

I didn’t realize this beforehand, but one of the lectionary readings was from the third chapter of Luke where we see the fiery nature of John the Baptist.  Here’s a snip from the reading (verses 16-17, from The Message):

But John intervened: “I’m baptizing you here in the river. The main character in this drama, to whom I’m a mere stagehand, will ignite the kingdom life, a fire, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He’s going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He’ll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he’ll put out with the trash to be burned.”

Our prayer for Elliot is that a fire is lit within him and that he’ll be a true disciple.

I know a lot of people disagree with baptising infants/toddlers.  I understand the argument and part of me agrees with it.  But for me, I see baptism as a covenant between us, the church and God.  We all agree to raise him in the church, as a disciple of Christ.  I think the act of formalizing that relationship is really powerful.  Our son (and daughter), belongs not just to us, but also to God and our church family.

As our pastor told the congregation yesterday, “He’s your child too!” 

This post on the UMC “trust clause” has reignighted a thought I’ve had on the physical churches of the UMC.  I’ve been a part of several different UM churches, ranging from a one-story 1970s structure with a multi-purpose room for a sanctuary, a large, early 20th century traditional church, and a 19th century “high church” historical monument.  The one common characteristic across the churches is that the congregations are very attached to their buildings.  I think almost too attached, personally.

Don’t get me wrong - I loved the “high church” church.  It is a beautiful, inspiring structure.  Some of the times that I’ve felt closest to God in my life was performing music in that sanctuary.  But one of the issues that church has, as well as the other two I mentioned, is that the cost of maintaining that physical structure is enormous.  I think a disproportionate share of church resources go to building maintenance - resources that could potentially be redirected elsewhere.

I’m not suggesting that we get rid of our buildings, but rather that as a mental exercise, we imagine church without the “church.”  In one of the congregations I belonged to, we rented the church out at various times a lot of different groups.  We had multiple AA groups, a preschool, and two other congregations using our building.  These other congregations got a great deal - they had the use of a nice (large, well maintained) church building for a flat monthly price.

As a result, they were able to focus on their ministry, rather than the reality of keeping up an aging building.  They paid someone else to worry about fire code compliance, the leaking roof, etc.  I think there’s something to be said for removing those distractions from the business of church.

I know we’re connected to our buildings - I’m no different.  But at the same time, how much time do we really spend at them?  For most people (at least out here), it totals a couple of hours a week.  Most of the rest of the time, our churches are used by people not directly connected with the church.  I don’t think there’s a problem with that, and in many cases those other uses provide necessary income.

I also realize that our buildings can be a tremendous asset.  They provide opportunities for new ministries, growing congregations, and things we haven’t thought of yet.

But what if those buildings are barriers to growth? 

I like to joke that Sarah and I have a parenting strategy predicated on laziness.  The key strategies are:

• do what works (corollary: if they’ll eat it, feed it to them.  Even if its ice cream.)
• when in doubt, do what’s easier

But seriously, our strategy has worked for us.  I think the two main things we’ve focused on are loving our kids and picking our battles.  By loving, I mean providing a lot of physical affection (holding, rocking, hugging, etc.) and presence.  In terms of battles, we’ve tried to not push agendas before our kids were ready.  When they were infants, we kept them in bed with us.  We moved them to their own beds when they seemed ready, which for both Claire and Elliot was around 6 months.  I know a lot of parents move their kids earlier, but ours seemed ready at that point.

What fascinates me is that I discovered after the fact that there’s a real parenting strategy that validates (at least to an extent), what we’re trying to do.  It is called attachment parenting and there is a great deal of cutting-edge brain research validating it.  Attachment Parenting International (an advocacy organization, “promote parenting practices that create strong, healthy emotional bonds between children and their parents. We believe these practices nurture and fulfill a child’s need for trust, empathy, and affection, providing a lifelong foundation for healthy, enduring relationships.”

The emerging brain research on infants is suggesting some findings that really support attachment parenting.  One finding is that providing love and affection to infants is critical to their brain development.  For instance, the simple act of holding your infant is actually facilitating important brain development.  Another finding is that a relationship with another human being is necessary for proper right brain development.  Some of the most important things you can do with your child is just be physically present. 

Now as a disclaimer I should point out that my kids almost 3 and 1.  So there’s still plenty of time for them to turn out to be axe murderers that butcher me in my sleep.  But so far they seem very happy and healthy - even despite the ice cream.

I should also point out that we’re not the sort of parents that believe you shouldn’t deny your children anything or ever tell them “no.”  We do have rules and limits, but we don’t believe in imposing arbitrary rules.  I have no desire to raise a couple of spoiled brats. 

Anyway, here are a couple of great books if you’re interested in learning more:

The Scientist in the Crib: What Early Learning Tells Us About the Mind

Why Love Matters

Interesting post here from management guru Tom Peters.  He argues that it hurts his business not only to badmouth the competition, but also by trying to keep his potential customers from finding out about the competition.  He suggests that by growing the market for the types of services he provides is good for everyone.  His market share may decrease, but it will be a smaller slice of a bigger pie.

What I found really interesting was strong opposition to badmouthing opponents.  The only way to protect his business, he argues, is by being different and better than the competition.  Discrediting the opposition isn’t an effective strategy. 

His argument reasonates with me for a couple of reasons.  I deal with a lot of vendors and occasionally I hear some of them critizing their competitors.  When I hear that it sounds really petty to me.  Rather than advertising the strength of their product, they try to tear down the competition.  It doesn’t give me a lot of confidence.

I think this has relevance to the church.  Rather than wondering whether mormons (or catholics, jews, muslims, liberal methodists, etc.) are heretics or if atheists are going to hell, we should focus on what makes us different and why our story matters.  I’m not suggesting that the aforementioned groups are competition, but rather we need a compelling message as United Methodists.  I think that message is more or less already out there, but we don’t do a very good job advertising it.  And I think we hurt ourselves we get into debates about other religious traditions.

But what do I know?  I’m a liberal methodist.

I think I need to start a 12 step program for compulsive debaters.  Maybe more specifically, poor souls that can’t help themselves from engaging in pointless theological arguments.  Here might be the steps:

1. I admit that I’m powerless to stop myself from wasting valuable time and energy arguing about pointless, abstract theological concepts.
2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore my sanity, but only once I figure out whether that Power is the exclusive path to Heaven.
3. I’ve decided to turn my life and my will over to God, but then that kinda sounds like predestination and I’m not sure I’m down with that.
4. I’ve made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  Damn, that didn’t take very long.  
5. I’ve admitted to God, myself, my wife, and my spiritual advisor that I can’t help myself.  The strong consensus is that I’m an idiot.  But in my defense, I’ve never tried to hide my idiocy, so everyone knew what they were getting into when they met me.
6. I’m ready for God to remove my defects of character, but I’m afraid there will be nothing left when he’s done.  Or she’s done.  Damn - that’s heresy.  And swearing, oh crap.  I should just stop talking.
7. I’ve humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings, but as a deist I’m not really sure how that works.
8. I tried making a list of everyone that I’ve harmed, but by engaging in these pointless arguments on the internet as well as in person, I’ve dramatically expanded the scope of potential harm.  I’m pretty much screwed here.
9. The making amends part is hard.  Doesn’t this count?
10. I continue to take a personal inventory and admit when I’m wrong, but it is getting pretty tedious to do that every 10 seconds or so.
11. I try to improve my contact with God through prayer and meditation, but then I got afraid that meditation sounded kind of eastern and thus was probably heretical.  
12.  I’m spreading the message via my blog.  Let the debate begin!  Oh crap…back to the beginning. 

The last couple of winters we’ve made a trip up to Sarah’s grandparent’s ranch in a very rural part of Eastern Washington.  There is always the risk of snow and other extreme winter conditions.  As a chronic worrier and an Eagle Scout, I always prepare for the worst.  As we learned this week, that’s never a bad idea.  So here’s what I bring for that trip:

• thermal sleeping bags - supposedly good down to below freezing
• blue tarp - good for putting tire chains on, but also could be used as a signal to rescuers
• flashlights - LED because they’re brighter and last longer
• pocket knife/leatherman - never know when that will come in handy
• water - bottled - a couple of bottles per person
• food - but you can’t go on a trip longer than 20 minutes with Sarah without her packing food anyway, so I can’t really take credit for this.
• tire chains

After the watching the stories this week, I’ll also be bringing matches, lighters, or something else flammable.

The #1 rule for traveling is to tell someone where you’re going, how you’re planning on getting there, and when you’ll be back.

The #1 rule if you get lost or stuck is STAY WHERE YOU ARE.  Someone will come find you.

I can’t imagine how hard this situation would have been for the Kims.  They’d been stuck in their car for 6 days before James went out for help.  I’m sure he thought he had no other choice, and if I’d been in that situation I might have made the same decision.  But in general, if you get lost, stay where you are.

Today searchers found the body of James Kim in the Southern Oregon wilderness.  He and his family were trapped in the snow after they apparently made a wrong turn on their way to the Oregon coast.  His wife and two children were rescued earlier this week.  He had left the car to search for help on Saturday.  James Kim was an editor at CNet and I’d never heard of him before the story broke.

This is making me incredibly sad, and I’m not sure why.  I think the reason is that his daughters are very close to age of my children.  What I fear most at this point in my life is not living to see them grow up.  It breaks my heart to think of them not having me around.  I know they’d survive without me, but my family is the most important thing in my life.  Virtually all of my time is focused on work and family - and I work to support our family.  I realize I haven’t mentioned my wife, but don’t think I don’t love her.  I do - I love her dearly and can’t imagine life without her.  But I know she could live without me, because she did for 25 years.  I also know that she’s a confident, resourceful, and independent woman - which are many of the reasons that I love her.  She is also a wonderful mother, but I think she’d agree that we’re a team.  I can’t imagine either of us trying to raise our kids alone. 

So today I pray for the Kim family, as they face life without a husband and a father.  I pray that their kids will grow up knowing their dad loved them enough to try to save them.

I love putting up holiday lights. I love having a lighted Christmas tree in our house. I think the lights are my favorite part of the holidays. What I don’t like is going outside when it is dark, wet and cold to turn them off. So this year I’ve fully implemented the ultimate solution for lazy bums like me - timers. The outdoor lights are on light sensitive timers that turn on when it gets dark and go off after a specified amount of time. The Christmas Tree (I’m too lazy to crawl under it to hit the switch on the power strip) and Star of Bethlehem are also on timers, but these aren’t light sensitive. Let me tell you - this is the way to go.

On Saturday I was putting lights on the tree and my (almost 3 year-old) daughter came into the living room and said, “That’s so cool!” Just another reason to love the lights!