The Faithful Skeptic

In my work we’re in the process of implementing some fairly massive changes in the way we do business. We recognize that change is difficult and we’re doing a lot of activities around change management and transition management to help us be successful. One of the consultants we have working us introduced me to the concept of “beginning with an ending.”

She says every change begins with an ending, ends with a beginning. In between is the neutral zone where we have to learn to accept the change. She says that one of the major challenges with change and transitions is that endings, even minor ones, cause grief.

We’ve had a number of beginnings and endings over the last month. Almost a month ago, we learned that Sarah was pregnant. We weren’t expecting it, but it was a good surprise. There was an ending though - an end to our life as parents of two, and a process of getting comfortable with the thought of being a family of five. For me, a lot of that processing was around really routine things - like can we fit three car seats in the back of our car? What will the sleeping arrangements look like in our essentially two bedroom house? How will I manage to take time off work in the midst of this insane project I’m managing?

Then a week later Sarah miscarried.

The fear and uncertainty inherent in that event were compounded by the fact that we were 400 miles from home. The following three weeks have turned into a series of test after test with no satisfying answers. Finally today, the news is likely good. It was only a miscarriage - but given the other options, that’s a relief.

It was a very early miscarriage, but we’re both dealing with the grief of this child we will never meet. Its been a shock coming to grips with another ending before we’d fully processed the last one.  I’ve been surprised at how much it has affected me.  Its easy to tell myself that it was probably for the best, but that rings hollow.  I was in the process of preparing myself to be a father to another child - having that end abruptly has been difficult.  I’m left with questions - was this baby a boy or a girl?  What would they have been like?  Why did he or she die?

But the thing to remember is that we always come back to a beginning.  As a Christian, I have to remember that we have the promise of Easter - that the end is just the beginning.  Our other blessing is the support of our friends and family - thank you.